Stepping into 2019

There's something wonderful about new beginnings.  It can feel like a breath of fresh air stepping into a new year with hope for what's to come.  If I'm being totally honest, I have mixed feelings about 2019.  This has probably been the most conflicted start to a new year that I've experienced.  2018 was full of sorrow for me, particularly the last half.  So in one sense, a new beginning could not have come soon enough.  Yet on the other hand I am mourning in the realest way what it means to start a completely whole new year without my mom.  Now that the holidays are over, the initial shock of her passing gone, I am left wondering what life is to look like moving forward.  It feels surreal.  Something I struggle to put into words so I am not going to try.

I've been praying over what the future looks like.  Lord, how do I live now?  What do I do with the knowledge that I've been given and the heartache I've experienced as I move forward?  I don't ever want my life to be the same, in fact it can't.  I love the idea of setting goals, of having something to work towards.  I've always felt motivated and accomplished when I have a to-do list.  But this year I don't want to do that.  I just can't even try to get myself to set specific goals.  Instead two words keep coming to my mind as I pray.  ETERNAL and EMPTY.  What...?

As I've thought long and hard and prayed about what God wants for and from me, I keep coming back to these two words.  For two and a half years, and specifically the last 6 months, I keep coming back to a place of eternal focus.  Shifting my gaze from the circumstances around me that are consuming me, to an upward focus of WHO holds my future.  As I keep looking up, the more I realize I need to let go.  This is where I've realized that I want Him to keep emptying me.  That I wouldn't hold on anymore to things or even relationships, but instead hold Him higher.  That I would be emptied of myself, that my desires would be His, that then He could use me to pour out for His eternal work.

This has come from a long road of heartache and pain.  I still find myself paralyzed by the reality of my life sometimes, not wanting to believe it.  But there is hope!  And having a thankful heart that reflects the blessings we've been given is something that can turn any situation around!  I pray that in this next year there will be healing, rest, laughs, memories, new traditions and most of all that God would use me, my mom's legacy, my family and that we would honor Him as we lay down more of ourselves to be His vessels.  I am counting on God as we step into 2019 with hopeful and thankful hearts. 

Perspective

Wow.  Where to even begin.  As I sit here, praying over what to write, my hands are shaking, my heart feels like it's going to pound through my chest and I have no idea what to say.  Yet, I can't seem to type fast enough.  There is a story my heart has been longing to share, one where goodness and God's love trump all heartache, tears and earthly pain.  I think it was about this time last year that I told my mom that I felt God asking me to write again, but I was (am) scared because that means that I have to be vulnerable and allow myself to feel again the things that have painfully led me to where I am today.  My desire is to write over the course of time
how God is molding and shaping my little life to hopefully encourage you that you're not alone.  We all face hard things. 

One thing I know to be more true than ever- God is good.  He cares about what we are experiencing and He longs for us to cry out to Him so that He can meet us in our pain.  I can testify more now than ever that His goodness, you guys, it is SO GOOD.  When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2.5 years ago, I knew my life could never be the same.  When I miscarried a baby on the same day as my mom's post-surgery MRI, I knew life was rock bottom for me.  When my precious mother left this earth in September, I reached a low I had never experienced.  But through it all I had the sense of being carried and surrounded by indescribable peace.  Continuing to lay down, broken at the feet of Jesus and crying out "Lord, I need You."  Everyday I pray for fruit to come from a season of being stripped down.

How I walk through this matters.  It matters for my kids, my husband, my sanity, friendships, familial relationships.  It matters for my eternity.  It matters to my God, so it matters to me.  There have been some indescribably hard moments in the last 3 months, especially when it comes to explaining to my 3 year old who asks me on a regular basis why her Mimi and best friend can't come back from Heaven.  Gut wrenching stuff.   I feel Him drawing me deeper.  I'm thankful for the gift of perspective and how it's shifted in the last two years.  Eternity does not start when we die.  We are in it NOW!  I ponder the questions every day, "What am I doing that matters?  What am I doing with this life that God has given to me?"  What if God allowed me to walk this road, assigned it to me even, so that I would seek Him more deeply here and then one day in Heaven the depth of my experience of His love was even greater?

We have a future and a hope!  True HOPE!  So no matter what season of life you find yourself, give every burden to Him.  Live with open hands.  As a control freak, I've had to learn that holy heck I have not an ounce of control over anything and that's hard.  But isn't it a comfort to know that our control of things would probably make it worse, and instead we can lay it at the feet of the One who knows all things and can do all things.  We give over today, live in the moment and walk the next step by faith, knowing that whatever lies ahead is already taken care of.

Spring hobbies

Spring is just baaaarely starting to surface in the Northwest and I could not be more excited!  It has been a long, cold, wet and yucky winter so when I woke up this morning to flowers popping up in my backyard and the pink cherry blossoms starting to bloom, my heart was happy.  I've been looking for new hobbies to do to help keep my sanity.  With a toddler running around and a baby who is almost due, I needed something for myself.  However, I do include my daughter in some of it which she absolutely loves.  Two of my favorite things to do lately are garden and make water kefir.  What the heck is that?  I'll touch on it in a minute.  :)

A few weeks ago I started my herb and vegetable garden indoors and have been pleasantly surprised with how well my plants are doing!  The plants are getting pretty big and the weather is warming up enough that in a week I plan to transplant them to pots on the patio.  This has been such a fun hobby to do with Addy!  She loves to look at our plants, help water them and we talk about how yummy they will be.  She kind of thinks they are flowers and always tries to smell them- haha.  Lucky for her, in a couple of weeks we will be getting our flowers and I know she will be so excited to help take care of them!

Water kefir.  As a family we have made a very conscious effort, especially in the last year, to take the best care of our bodies that we can and to maintain good health.  Good health leads to good energy and I need as much energy as I can get chasing around my girl!  You probably know that one of the best ways to take care of your health is to take care of your gut.  It's important to eat a wide range of colorful fruits and vegetables, monitor your starch intake and choose good quality meats, eggs and dairy products.  Probiotics are another major component to gut health.  I am not going to get into what probiotics are right now, but you can read more about it here.  We've recently had some health issues with Addy that have forced us to change her diet and add in more probiotics.  A great way to do that is through kefir!  Water kefir is a lot like kombucha.  For the last few months, I have researched it like crazy and how to make it, health benefits, recipes, what it is, any cons, basically everything!  I never found a single negative thing about it.  I was honestly so intimidated to try making it, but it's next to impossible to find on the market to buy so I decided to order this and give it a shot.  Let me tell you- we are so addicted and have noticed the biggest difference in our health over here!  My skin is clear and glowing, all of our digestive systems seem to be so much better, energy levels have increased, and it just tastes so amazing.  I currently have 5 batches in my fridge- haha!  It's been fun playing around with different flavors too, plus you can use coconut water instead of regular water.  Some of our favorites are lemon ginger, mixed berry, tropical fruit, lemon, lemon mint, and orange.  Addy gobbles it down too and it's so cute to hear her say "kefir kefir!" and run to grab her cup.  It's a mommy win knowing that she's drinking something so good for her growing little body!  

 

What are some of your favorite spring hobbies?  Please share!

POIPU

If you follow me at all on social media, then you know that we just spent a week on Kauai.  We had such an amazing trip and were SO thankful to escape to warmer weather, the beach, the fresh fruit stands and basically everything opposite of the cold that we've been experiencing in the Northwest.  It did rain a couple of days while we were there but we didn't let it stop us from getting out and exploring!

It had been almost 5 years since Nick and I went, and I totally forgot about the fact that there are feral chickens and cats running around literally everywhere.  Which totally made the entire trip for Addy!  haha!  She was seriously in heaven and would run around yelling "bok bok" or "ca ca" (cock-a-doodle-doo) or "meow" and then start screaming and laughing.  I couldn't even handle it.

We spent one of our first days there in Poipu on the south shore walking around the Hyatt, eating, swimming and playing.  Addy was totally cracking me up walking around in her sunglasses.  She knew she was hot stuff and was playing it up for everyone who would talk to her!