There's something wonderful about new beginnings. It can feel like a breath of fresh air stepping into a new year with hope for what's to come. If I'm being totally honest, I have mixed feelings about 2019. This has probably been the most conflicted start to a new year that I've experienced. 2018 was full of sorrow for me, particularly the last half. So in one sense, a new beginning could not have come soon enough. Yet on the other hand I am mourning in the realest way what it means to start a completely whole new year without my mom. Now that the holidays are over, the initial shock of her passing gone, I am left wondering what life is to look like moving forward. It feels surreal. Something I struggle to put into words so I am not going to try.
I've been praying over what the future looks like. Lord, how do I live now? What do I do with the knowledge that I've been given and the heartache I've experienced as I move forward? I don't ever want my life to be the same, in fact it can't. I love the idea of setting goals, of having something to work towards. I've always felt motivated and accomplished when I have a to-do list. But this year I don't want to do that. I just can't even try to get myself to set specific goals. Instead two words keep coming to my mind as I pray. ETERNAL and EMPTY. What...?
As I've thought long and hard and prayed about what God wants for and from me, I keep coming back to these two words. For two and a half years, and specifically the last 6 months, I keep coming back to a place of eternal focus. Shifting my gaze from the circumstances around me that are consuming me, to an upward focus of WHO holds my future. As I keep looking up, the more I realize I need to let go. This is where I've realized that I want Him to keep emptying me. That I wouldn't hold on anymore to things or even relationships, but instead hold Him higher. That I would be emptied of myself, that my desires would be His, that then He could use me to pour out for His eternal work.
This has come from a long road of heartache and pain. I still find myself paralyzed by the reality of my life sometimes, not wanting to believe it. But there is hope! And having a thankful heart that reflects the blessings we've been given is something that can turn any situation around! I pray that in this next year there will be healing, rest, laughs, memories, new traditions and most of all that God would use me, my mom's legacy, my family and that we would honor Him as we lay down more of ourselves to be His vessels. I am counting on God as we step into 2019 with hopeful and thankful hearts.
So very good and you may not feel like you expressed your self or didn't know how to put what you said into words but you did wonderful....I too (cause I'm getting older by the minute) and have lost loved ones and my life has changed because of it. I think more from an eternal perspective because of those losses and what I am doing to make a difference for God's kingdom while I am still here. I am sad somedays when I think of our friends who have gone before us but then I remember God has a plan for each of us and when it comes to me taking my last breath I can only hope and pray that I have left a legacy that speaks volumes of what Christ has done for me and through me to minister to others. Your mom to me should of been one of my best friends for a lot longer than we got to know each other but yet in God's sovereignty that was not to be instead it was at the end of her life but those months were amazing and we both would cry sometimes and to tell you the truth we laughed a lot and I loved when I would read to her and she would say "I agree with that" I still hear her voice saying that and thank God for the time even though little that we got to know each other and spend in His word. You are an amazing woman and your mom loved you so much and was so proud of you and her entire family. Praying for you Jenn and what God is going to continue to reveal to you and through you to others. Much love Dee
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