Perspective

Wow.  Where to even begin.  As I sit here, praying over what to write, my hands are shaking, my heart feels like it's going to pound through my chest and I have no idea what to say.  Yet, I can't seem to type fast enough.  There is a story my heart has been longing to share, one where goodness and God's love trump all heartache, tears and earthly pain.  I think it was about this time last year that I told my mom that I felt God asking me to write again, but I was (am) scared because that means that I have to be vulnerable and allow myself to feel again the things that have painfully led me to where I am today.  My desire is to write over the course of time
how God is molding and shaping my little life to hopefully encourage you that you're not alone.  We all face hard things. 

One thing I know to be more true than ever- God is good.  He cares about what we are experiencing and He longs for us to cry out to Him so that He can meet us in our pain.  I can testify more now than ever that His goodness, you guys, it is SO GOOD.  When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2.5 years ago, I knew my life could never be the same.  When I miscarried a baby on the same day as my mom's post-surgery MRI, I knew life was rock bottom for me.  When my precious mother left this earth in September, I reached a low I had never experienced.  But through it all I had the sense of being carried and surrounded by indescribable peace.  Continuing to lay down, broken at the feet of Jesus and crying out "Lord, I need You."  Everyday I pray for fruit to come from a season of being stripped down.

How I walk through this matters.  It matters for my kids, my husband, my sanity, friendships, familial relationships.  It matters for my eternity.  It matters to my God, so it matters to me.  There have been some indescribably hard moments in the last 3 months, especially when it comes to explaining to my 3 year old who asks me on a regular basis why her Mimi and best friend can't come back from Heaven.  Gut wrenching stuff.   I feel Him drawing me deeper.  I'm thankful for the gift of perspective and how it's shifted in the last two years.  Eternity does not start when we die.  We are in it NOW!  I ponder the questions every day, "What am I doing that matters?  What am I doing with this life that God has given to me?"  What if God allowed me to walk this road, assigned it to me even, so that I would seek Him more deeply here and then one day in Heaven the depth of my experience of His love was even greater?

We have a future and a hope!  True HOPE!  So no matter what season of life you find yourself, give every burden to Him.  Live with open hands.  As a control freak, I've had to learn that holy heck I have not an ounce of control over anything and that's hard.  But isn't it a comfort to know that our control of things would probably make it worse, and instead we can lay it at the feet of the One who knows all things and can do all things.  We give over today, live in the moment and walk the next step by faith, knowing that whatever lies ahead is already taken care of.